A Word On Coping, Grief and My Christmas "Miracle"

A Word On Coping, Grief and My Christmas "Miracle"

In a Facebook post I made at Christmas this year, I had mentioned that I was thankful for something; that I had gotten a Christmas wish that I needed to get.  I was reluctant to share that story right away.  Thinking about it, I took a long pause to ponder on my experience with grief or coping, and wanted to say a few words about that before telling my story.

No matter who you are, you are dealing with something.  We all have our crosses to bear in life.  Some people are more open to sharing than others who choose to remain quite private.  Some share the good things in their lives in public, while keeping the bad things private.  We have all had to deal with bad things in life, and I think our level of comfort sharing them with others is conditioned by how we have been treated in the past.  It amazes me how some people revel in their sorrow, or in their mistakes.  Some folks have no problem standing up in public and saying they did something stupid, or telling the world about the bad things happening to them...which to some extent, could be of their own doing. 

I remember when my Mother was ill, and I was taking care of her, many people knew I was doing that, and it seemed everyone who was concerned for me or who loved me always prefaced a meeting with me with "How is your Mom?".  When the news was not good, that was the constant conversation I was having that I hated having.  I know my friends meant well, but I remember wishing I didn't have to talk about it so much.  Things like that make you turn your grief inward, so that you don't have to share it.  I remember when she died, I really told no one...and just went to work that night as if it were just another day.  It was easier. 

In 2004, I had a horrible accident...most of you know about that one, when I broke my neck in two places and had to take months off of work.  That was a very traumatic event, and to be fair, normal humans learn lessons from such events.  Given that, if I had a dollar for every person who heard the story and said "you need to be more careful", I could buy you a house.  I knew I needed to be more careful, I am sure I would be...hearing it almost felt hurtful.   People close to me then brought it up over and over.  Later, I had an incident with a deer and a road sign in my new van, which resulted in a bent front bumper and dented front fender.  I came home and told no one, because I didn't want to hear the admonitions that I needed to be more careful, etc...  If accidents were always avoidable, they wouldn't happen, would they?  Yet when presented with the news of an accident, human reaction seems to say that the person needs to be told how to prevent it...which after the fact can come off as hurtful, yet offered in a caring manner.  Even today, 8 years or so after my accident, people still tell me to be more careful.  I keep all my accidents to myself now without telling anyone, because of the comments I get from those who love me, which feel hurtful.  

Sometimes when people are carrying a load, and choose to share the news, they are not looking for advice, a solution or blame...they are just looking to share, and maybe get a little commiseration or possibly sympathy.  When you just want to unload and share, and get blamed or advised, sometimes you think twice about sharing the next issue...because it just feels easier to keep it to yourself.  Hemorrhoids are a real pain in the ass for example.  If you suffered from them, and told your friends, then every time they see you, and your ass is hurting, they say "Hey, how are your roids?"...and you have to talk about them while suffering.  I think a better solution is, if you tell someone you have roids, and they see you, they should smile, each of you knowing the other knows, and the friend would just say "Hello, how are you"...or "how are you feeling"?  Instead they usually bring the topic up and tell you how you could have avoided getting them in the first place!  

Since then, I have had some screw ups in life that I have totally kept to myself...found the solutions and pressed on without burdening anyone...just because it felt easier.  When I had the incident with the deer and the road sign, it was 2 weeks before Lori even knew.  I chose to try to keep it from her because the wounds from the bad accident were still too fresh. 

One thing all this has taught me is how to handle my compassion toward others who face adversity.  I put myself in their shoes and remember my times that I was hurting, and what I did or did not want or need to hear.  A great friend recently lost his wife unexpectedly and is grieving in a major way.  I sent him a letter with my sympathy, and told him I would never ever bring it up again, unless he did.  I let him know that I was sorry for his loss, but that it was not going to be the ongoing topic of conversation.  I would bet that was appreciated.  Sometimes, when you know there is an elephant in the room, you don't HAVE to talk about it.  It is there.

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So what brought this up was this extraordinary situation that happened just before Christmas.  After the event I am about to tell you about, I was pretty mentally messed up.  I chose to tell no one.  Lori was the only person who knew.  I did not want it out there because I mentally could not handle the blame, hearing how it could have been prevented and frankly I was embarrassed.  I needed to deal with the situation before I could tell anyone. 

On the Saturday before Christmas, I took a walk with Foster (my dog...and those who know me know he is my son more than my dog, and I am very close and protective of him).  We had time to spare and had deviated off our regular course.  We ended up in a high traffic area, and while crossing a street, I directed him to walk into the path of an oncoming car.  He was struck, and the car stopped and Foster fell to the ground in the road in front of the car.  People all over stopped.  I immediately knew that it was entirely my fault.  I did not know if Foster was dead, or what level of injury he had sustained.  I got him out of the road and told the car driver to leave, as all was OK.  People were showing up out of concern, and I had a real moment of terror going on. 

He stood up...and I was checking him for injury.  He seemed to be steady on his feet, a little shaken and walking on his own power.  I reached for my phone to call Lori, but did not have my phone on me.  We walked toward a business, and he seemed to be walking OK, so we just kept walking, then headed back toward the house.  I could see no external damage, and began watching and looking for signs of internal injury.  Closer to home he stopped and had a bowel movement, and was not complaining about anything...he had no sensitivity or pain...his eyes looked good, etc...  By the time we got home, he was flat out normal, but I was sure something had to be wrong.  I got in the house and tried to keep a brave face, then Lori showed me pics she had just taken of the dog and I lost it.   Just the overwhelming grief of what I had done to my buddy, and the guilt, and not knowing if there was any injury...and the worst part of it all, the memory of seeing him getting hit kept replaying over and over and over and over in my head and I could not make it stop for days.  Every time I was alone with my thoughts, that image returned.  I could not think of talking about it without getting upset. 

If I had been allowed any wish for Christmas it would be for this incident to not have occurred, or as a minimum, for there to be no damage or penalty to Foster for my mistake.  Time has passed and I am certain beyond doubt that he was not injured.  He is 110%, actually even better than he was BEFORE the accident.  I had been posting on Facebook prior to this about his health issues, and was waiting for his recovery as this happened.  A friend asked me at work the other night how Foster was doing...and I sheepishly said "better than anyone knows".   She mentioned that I had not posted about him on Facebook in some time and I realized she was correct...that I was afraid to say anything for fear he took a bad turn.  Selfishly, as much as I would have liked a kind shoulder, I didn't want the constant reminders that I screwed up, or, when trying to clear my head, have all of our friends asking how Foster was...mentally I could not handle that.

I feel as if I am ready to have this story out there, and I feel that telling it will help me get my head together...as if keeping it bottled up is part of what is troubling me.  Lori even said there is no need for anyone to know, and she, while watching me suffer thru this, mentioned she was glad I did not put it on Facebook to allow myself to be castigated. So, the other side of my reason is, that if someone reads this entire blog...and can manage to talk to me about this afterwards without blaming me, or telling me what I did wrong, or telling me how to avoid this in the future, then writing this will be somewhat worthwhile.  We should all study on being compassionate, sensitive, caring and supportive without making the issue be THE only topic of conversation, or without insulting someone by feeling like we need to tell them how they failed.

I have only told 3 people about this so far...testing the waters to see how I felt.  I do have to giggle because the second person I told DID respond by saying that we needed to walk a bit more cautiously through life.  LOL....trust me...after going thru something like this, if that is not obvious, then there is no hope. 

Treat each other well, hug your dogs and cats, and put yourself into the other persons shoes before saying anything that could be well meaning yet insensitive.  Sometimes just listening is enough.  Thanks for listening...and if you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you for your friendship, and for caring enough about what I say to read it.    

   

You Will Not Change The World By Wearing a Hoodie

Ok people, I have to weigh in with my opinion...repeat, MY OPINION.  You may disagree, that is your right, but take my POINTS with you.

In regard to Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.  Let's put aside the emotion and discuss a couple of facts, now that what has happened has happened.

First...IF Zimmerman's judgment of Trayvon WAS racially motivated, then lets agree that THIS is an isolated incident between Zimmerman and Martin.  I bring this up because Zimmerman is not "the man" or the leader of the world.  He is one person involved in one incident.

Second...lets all agree that as high a profile case as this is with a national microscope, there is no bias against Trayvon for being black.  I think the plight is being fairly and accurately portrayed in his favor by most ALL media outlets, and his being black is not hindering any coverage or fairness.  If anything, his being black is helping his cause... for fear of any agency dropping the ball will not be tolerated by those looking in from the outside.

Now that being said, what is done is done and we cant unring that bell.  But what can people do...what to do to be heard or make a difference?  Rallying and screaming black vs white issues is not going to work, and is just going to create a societal divide.  The lack of arrest in the case has nothing to do with the races of those involved, it has to do with the fact that a "poorly worded" law, or a liberal law, is currently PROTECTING Zimmerman.  This is not the opinion of the Sanford police chief who was the first scapegoat.  The police detectives initially asked the state attorney TO PRESS charges because they felt the initial story did not wash.  The state attorney's office opted to not prosecute.  The FDLE was called in...the DOJ was called in and an audience with a grand jury has been put on the calendar to review this.  You just cannot GET anymore judicially scrutinized than this, so what higher court or power is supposed to respond to the rallies and petitions to arrest Zimmerman?

Given that, I ask...WHAT ARE THE RALLIES SUPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISH then?  Repeating, this is not a black and white issue, it is a legal issue.  It would not matter the race or color of the participants.  A less open mind will argue with me at this point to say that Trayvon was shot for being black.  That is the opinion of the onlooker, only Zimmerman knows for sure...but as I said, Zimmerman is just one man.  Only HE knows the motives of his heart, and his motives are not those of every man, or policy of law enforcement, or all of society.   If you want to call him a racist, so be it, even if it is or isnt true, but rallying in Trayvon's name, calling for an arrest and saying it is because Trayvon is black is just not productive, or accurate.  IF George shot Trayvon "for being black", a rally is not going to change or open the minds of those who currently do equate being black as being a suspect.

Stop equating Sanford with Selma.  Sanford is NOTHING like Selma was, and if you think it was, you are watering down the importance of what happened in Selma.  

Wearing a hoodie will change nothing.  Stop it.  Anyone wearing a hoodie in support of Trayvon does not have a clear concept of the issue and should develop a clearer concept.  That being said, the hoodie is a non issue.  Somehow, Trayvon was wrongly cast as a suspect.  PEOPLE, If you want to not get shot, or not appear to be a suspect, DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE. This covers all races.  Recently a national blogger wrote that white people were lucky that they will NEVER appear to be suspects.  That is just crap.  I am white, and I have been pulled over on suspicion numerous times, had my car searched MORE than a handful of times, been detained by the police on suspicion several times and actually been handcuffed during detention twice.  HERE is a link to the blog, my reply appears directly under the article:

  http://globalgrind.com/news/michael-skolnik-trayvon-martin-george-zimmerman-race-sanford-florida-photos-pictures

SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC BUT RELEVANT...If I develop a fashion affectation and all of a sudden start going out in public wearing western hats, chaps and boots, I should not get offended if people THINK I like country music or horses.  If you have the appearance of a swarthy person, a violent person, a thug, a tough guy, a psycho, a homeless person, a convict, an extremist of any type, etc... and you have affected this look, you should expect to be pre-judged.  That is not just human nature, it is nature.  Watch a dog interact with other people or other dogs.  When they sense no threat, they accept, and when they sense danger or bad vibes or fear they attack.  People are largely the same way.  If you don't want to be treated as a suspect, don't look like one. That being said, appearances are not everything.  No one knows what is in a man's heart, and the guy in the suit could do you a lot more harm than the biker or homeless guy.  If your doorbell rings at 3AM who are you more scared of...a guy in a suit, a biker or a guy with dreads, pants low with underwear showing and a grill of gold?  If you gave this any thought, you are judgmental too...fear everyone.
  

BACK ON POINT... If you are marching, or assembling to bring attention to an issue that needs attention, more power to you.  If you are marching or assembling to say that Trayvon is not getting a fair shake, I cant agree with you because you have every court in the nation on the case, what more can you ask for?

If your answer is an arrest...then I ask you to revisit the point that no agency is willing to arrest Zimmerman because no one is YET willing to prosecute him, because simply, he is protected by the law BASED on the information and evidence the powers that be have at this time.  Period.  Hear say is not admitted, nor is opinion or feeling.  Facts are what successful prosecutions are made from.  Having said that, what is going to happen if the court decides to charge Zimmerman based on any kernel they can come up with, or just as a tool to pacify a crying public.  An arrest is not a conviction, so after a court date, Zimmerman will be released again, protected by the law.  How will the public handle it when and if Zimmerman is arrested, and cleared and released?  Will there still be a bounty on him, figuratively or literally?

IS THAT ZIMMERMAN'S FAULT?  No.  It is the fault of the law, SO, now that the wheels of justice are turning, PEOPLE I ASK YOU, what makes more sense?  Rallying about the lack of arrest, or about Trayvon being wrongly accused for being black by one man...or to use the power of numbers to assemble and get an audience to hear the real issue, the re visitation or adaptation of the law?  You wont do that wearing a hoodie, eating skittles and walking 40 miles.  Work the system.  If the system is broke or not working for you, change IT.  Currently the system is in Zimmerman's favor...and it has nothing to do with race.  If this troubles you, consult a lawmaker.  Get a petition on for that.  March for that... leave the hoodie at home.

I don't want to appear uncaring about Martin's death.  He did not need to die.  My point of this blog is just to rationally point out the real issue without emotion, as my inbox fills with invites to marches, and as I pass the marchers on the street, and hear Mr. Jackson and Mr. Sharpton 20 miles from my house talking race, and hear my elected officials on Capitol Hill extol how they are tired of burying black boys...in the name of this incident, and lack of arrest.

ADDENDUM 4/9/12:  The Sanford PD was closed for 5 hours today while protesters engaged in the promised civil disobedience that would occur if Zimmerman were not arrested.  I offer this...if Zimmerman is protected by law, where is the justice if he is arrested...and if he is arrested and found not guilty under the same protection, it is not his being white or Trayvon being black that failed, it was the law.  Rather than being civilly disobedient, again I offer, why not work within the system to change it?  When it comes to brass tacks, the system is your issue, not race.  I also offer this scenario...if Zimmerman were black, and arrested, would there be marches in protest of his arrest because he should have been protected by the law??

Having an open mind is easy when the benefit is falling in your favor.  To be truly just and open minded means accepting things you don't necessarily agree with, in the name of liberty for all.

Link to todays fiasco:  http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/04/09/students-shut-down-sanford-police-station-in-march-for-trayvon-martin/

ADDENDUM 4/10:  If you want to read some reactions by posters at Facebook, here is the first thread I shared this in:  https://www.facebook.com/harryoke/posts/380230742016713?notif_t=share_comment


  

I Purchased One Of My Bucket List Cars

Ah yes, bucket list cars.  The cars on your mind that you have always wanted to own or experience before you die.  Some people gravitate toward the exotic or out of reach variety, while others yearn for vehicles within their grasp financially, but maybe not that readily available, or easy to find.  Other times one does not act due to a lack of funds or storage.  I am a life long car guy, but my tastes are not that exotic.  I like the experience of owning the cool, driveable car that has a unique reason for coolness.  My latest acquisition fits this bill entirely.  If you understand why I got it, I need explain no more.  This post is for the ones looking at me and saying "why in the HELL did you buy THAT?"

I have always been a station wagon lover.  This may have been seeded by the 3 station wagons we owned when I was a child (white 68 Chevy, green 70 Chevy Kingswood and green 72 Kingswood).  It may be seeded by growing up in the 70s, with those great V-8 powered Vista Cruisers, Country Squires and other iconic wagons of the day.  They were all great cars that served a great and practical purpose of hauling people and cargo.  Some did it way more stylishly than others.  I loved the Fords, but always loved the GM wagons styling a little more...especially the prestige Olds and Buicks.  I have owned my share of sedans from this era, but never found a station wagon.  The only proper wagon I have owned for any length of time was an 88 Ford Taurus.  It was leased to the company I worked for and I bought out their lease for less than wholesale.  I had that car and a z-28 Camaro at the same time.  I put them both up for sale and the wagon sold instantly.  I have wanted another wagon since that day.

The stopped making proper station wagons because of the rise in popularity of the minivan, and SUV.  There were a few hold outs, and some new contenders, but nothing compared to the glory of the full size 1970s luxury wagon.  Nothing, that is, except for one lone standout in the crowd, Buick's Roadmaster. (Check out this link:  http://www.stationwagon.com/history.html

Roadmaster wagons have caught my eye as long as they have been around, BUT what you need to know about them most importantly is this...they stopped making them in 1996, and the BEST ones ever made were made in 1994, 1995 and 1996.  What makes them so great is the engineering is very modern, but the styling and basic design are decidedly retro 70s.  ALL the benefits of modern technology on an old school car.  To help the matter, they chose to power it with the 5.7 LT-1 V-8 engines that were being used in the Corvettes, with the addition of steel heads instead of aluminum heads.  They produce 260+ hp, 330 lbft of torque!!  The great part is, with the engineering, they still get 17mpg in the city and 20 or more on the highway!!  You can open the rear tailgate down like a truck, or swing it open like a regular car door.  The car seats 8 adults with the rear seat up, fold all the seats down and you have almost 93 cubic feet of storage, over 4 feet wide, meaning you can lay sheets of plywood or sheetrock down flat on the weekend trips to Lowes, without damaging the car.  It has a performance suspension system, which can be accentuated with the Gran Touring option that self levels the car.  All seats are leather, and as comfortable as a Lazy Boy!

Back at my old job, one of our customers, and good friend Ruth had one of these Roadmasters that I considered the epitome...the perfect example of what a Roadmaster wagon should be.  I always loved her car and told her I wanted to buy it if she ever sold it.  Eventually I left the company, and she eventually traded the car in on something else.  We still stay in touch and she always mentions that she was so sorry I did not get her car.  That being said, whenever I thought of wagons, hers was first on my mind.

Lately I have been desiring a bigger car for my off time.  Lori has a Sentra, I have a Toyota truck and you get a couple of people in those small cars and it gets claustrophobic.  I have my van for work and a beater van for chores.  The beater van is about the only option to take Foster for a ride.  All of my cars only seat 2 people.  Loris Sentra seats 4 tightly, but no dogs or packages.  I have been looking at big sedans like Gran Marquis or Crown Vics or Caprices.  I know if I had bought one, I would keep saying "its not a Roadmaster".

I found a Roadmaster for sale, but it was a coupe, not a wagon.  It was a PRE Corvette motor sedan and had a ton of miles on it.  The old man wanted a lot of money for it too...he said he was selling it because he went to a funeral up north and found a Roadmaster wagon for sale.  Grrr.  LOL.

I have been thinking a European wagon would suit me...ideally a VW Passat or a Volvo, since they were bigger, but was thinking of settling for a BMW 3 series or a Jetta.  Just keeping an open mind.  I found a BMW that came close and was really thinking about making an offer on it.  I went to my mechanic for an oil change in the van, and ran my thoughts by him to see if there were any maintenance nightmares involved with BMWs.  I mentioned to him that if I had my druthers, I'd "druther" have a Roadmaster from 94-96.  He said his neighbor had one and would call me with the info.

My friend called me that night and gave me the name of a fellow who indeed, had a 94 wagon for sale.  I was excited to see it in white, in his driveway.  The downside was, the wheels were not pleasing, the interior was a little rougher than I wanted and the engine had been molested a little but seemed all good except the water pump.  It needed window regulators, an ac compressor and other stuff....not ready to drive, but more like a project.  He had only 112k miles on it and wanted $2800 which was a fair enough price.  I stewed on it a little and looked to see what else was on the internet.

My buddy turned me on to an Ebay auction where a mint 94 with 89k was at 2300 dollars.  I watched the bidding and committed to $4500, but with car being in South Carolina, was not gambling more than that sight unseen.  The guy had Roadmaster history and a 100% positive rating, so odds were good it would be ok.

Meanwhile, I went to Craigslist to list some give away items, and found an ad that had ONLY been there a couple of hours that said simply "95 Roadmaster, new tires needs nothing $2900".  I contacted the guy 4 times or so, then waited to be contacted.  He was off line all weekend and called me 830 Monday morning.  He told me where he worked and said to come see the car anytime.  I boogied right over.

I found myself at a high end luxury car dealership.  The fellow I met was the mechanic there.  I had a vibe at first that he may have been getting cars cheap and flipping them on Craigslist...a popular way to sell junky cars on their last legs.  Imagine my surprise at seeing a car sitting in the parking lot that looked EXACTLY the same as Ruth's car that I coveted!  Goldish Beige paint, Tan leather interior, great condition.  I immediately got suspicious and started my investigation...looking at the car on its own merits.  Everything seemed to check out...no damage, original car, no signs of accidents, repair or water damage, original glass, all options correct, original radio...so we go on a test drive.  All works correctly, except the horn.  I offered him $2500 if he fixed the horn, he took 26.  Left the car with him to fix and went to lunch, came back and used his tag to stash the car in Holly Hill.  With the title, checked out the history and indeed, this was an original owner car.  The original owner bought it at age 72 and is now 87 and no longer driving.  The mechanic I dealt with had been doing the service on the car for years and also printed out all the service records for me!!!  I could not BELIEVE what I had stumbled upon.  I titled the car the next day and drove it home and went through it stem to stern.  Other than a little dirt here and there, all was as it should be.   I spent Saturday scrubbing, polishing, carpet cleaning and dressing the interior panels while looking for problems.  Car checks out fine.  It has plenty of power as well!!  Runs like a brand new car.

The ebay auction I was involved with closed.  That 94 sold for $6200.   There is another one in Palm Bay for 6k.  These cars, clean are going up in value as they have become one of the cars from the 90s that are collectible.  People seek these wagons out daily.  There are forums online for owners to share info and stories about them.  The clean ones with low mileage are becoming rare.  People rave that they are getting 200-400 thousand miles out of them with no real issues.  The ones that are not wrecked are being driven, or worse, chopped up and customized.  The internet is full of stories of people paying top dollar for high mileage wagons to customize.  I just watched a video of a guy who was PLEASED to have paid 4300 dollars for a wagon with 193k miles.  His quote was "Jesus, thank you for finally putting a good car in front of me".   I challenge any reader here to find a bad review or a disgruntled owner of a 94/95 or 96 Roadmaster Estate.

My friends will look at this and either say "WHY??" or look at it and beam and ask where in the heck I found it.  LOL!!  Either way, I see the value in this car, both emotionally and financially.  It takes me back to being a kid again...I still picture it as an old Vista Cruiser or Skylark wagon from the 70s, with modern conveniences added.  It has been a long time since I have been emotionally attached to a car, and this one did it!   I am just so pleased about finding this, let alone the fact that it was at a very reasonable price and the car has extremely low mileage!  This is a car that I will be owning for many years.

  

         

Happy New Year 2012

2010 sucked.  Period.  2011 was a lot of clean up from 2010.  The end of 2011 just got better, and now 2012 is going to be splendid...I am counting on this.  I rang in the new year at Halifax putting on a show there, then spent the next day cleansing the atmosphere by burning my yard waste.  I had YEARS of brush stacked up, and have not been able to get to burning it for either legal reasons (burn bans), weather or wind, or just time.  This was the perfect day.  Once the fire got going I got out my chainsaw and cut everything down that was troublesome, and removed a small tree from the front yard...it is all BURNED, gone and ceasing to exist.  I burned all my bills and documents...nothing cluttering the new year so far.

My resolution this year is to get rid of material things.  Anything I do not need or love or use needs to go away this year.  Growing up poor leads to a slight hoarding mentality.  You have a fear of getting rid of something because you might need it or someone you know may need it.  I started giving stuff away already, and that will continue until I see a noticeable space in my surroundings.

I also am committing to improving my quality of life by upgrading some of my technology.  I do not spend a lot of money on myself, and this year I will afford myself the luxury of things like new computers and TVs and bluray players, etc...  Gonna get into this decade.  LOL!

I am also giving new thought this year to my interactions with those family members around me with whom I have strained relations.  I don't hold grudges...but I also get tired of having the same arguments, so I am committing to not arguing or debating with people who do not agree with me.   Similarly, life is too short, and if someone does not want to communicate with me, I will have to find peace in that and not lose sleep over it.  It has been pointed out that I have too many people around me volunteering cheerfully to be my friend, to have me in their company and circle for me to stress out over the few that for what ever reason find me to be objectionable and undesirable.
 

I hope all of you are looking forward to a great year this year, as I am.  

This Year Was Great, It Was Horrible

Watching the passing of my birthday this week, I took a look backwards at the last year or so.  It was filled with the highest highs, and the lowest lows.  A typical year will have some drama, but overall, this was one for the books, balanced out with some really great stuff happening.  I honestly don't know how to feel about it.  To give you an idea, imagine the internal conflict you would have if two people came to your door...one to tell you that you had won the lottery, the other to tell you a parent had died.  That conflict is how I feel about the past year.  To be honest, I can find some silver lining in even the very worst things that have occurred this year.  I have had a ton of life experience this year, and learned a lot, and lived a lot...and kept my business side largely unaffected.  I took no days off, no vacations, no sick days...just the 2 days off I took to go to Manhattan for the TV appearance.

Dealing with stuff like this is a big reason I try not to let the little things, or the things I have no control over, get to me.  It is why I do not have the energy to rail on about politics too much...choosing the windmills I tilt at very carefully.  I would love to save the world one day, but for now, I just have to save mine!

(A lot of my goings on are mentioned in my blog...that you are reading now...if you check out some of the older posts)

The greatest thing that occurred was the fun I had with the CBS crew filming the segment for the CBS Early Show.  There was a lot of pre-planning and logistical stuff happening, and I did not tell many people in case the deal fell thru.  It got postponed once then came back to reality.  Once they were booked to come here, I let the cat out of the bag.  After the segment aired, it was a big surprise to be asked to come to Manhattan to appear in studio.  That took a tremendous amount of last minute shuffling.  I am ever in debt to my friend Katie for babysitting me for a day and making my trip exponentially more fun!!    (Links to the TV appearance and related photos are available at www.harryoke.com)

There was so much other stuff going on in my life at the same time this was going on.  Some I have shared, some I have not.  I am not a huge advocate of airing my dirty laundry, or burdening people with things they have no power to assist me with.  Sometimes I shared things with people who were in a position to give me good advice or assistance.  Other things, no one can help with so why bother bringing it up?  The worst things that occurred, I wont even bring up here.  Suffice to say it has been an interesting year!!  Ups, downs, and mostly in betweens.  I went to way too many funerals this year.  I saw too many lives turned upside down needlessly.

This was the year we had to put down our dog Tiny...who made it to about 16 years.  She had a great run, and the decision to put her down was difficult, until she got to a point where her dignity and quality of life were endangered.  I miss her, and that was a really difficult task.

Financially, it was a good work year, but investment wise, we know how THAT story goes.  I lost a ton of money in real estate equity and investments.  Thinking about it doesn't fix it, so I don't talk about that much.  I also took some financial hits from some unexpected expenses, and also from being deceived by someone I trusted who took advantage of me.  This affected my state of mind a lot, and I had to get the court system involved and press charges.  I lost a lot of sleep over that.

I had a ton of other things on my plate at about the same time, and I can honestly say that this year, I was truthfully as close to a nervous break down as I have ever been in my life.  I was having a really difficult time sleeping and staying focused and positive.  While this was going on, I fell onto the radar of a psychopath who was sending me weird messages.  I shared them with some people who took them far more seriously than I did. Then they ended up with the Sheriff, then the State Attorney and the next thing you know, the guy is in jail.  He was just released recently and is on probation for several years.  That was just another odd thing to deal with on top of what I already had on my plate.  My long term renter also moved out of my rental house, leaving me to deal with taking care of another residence.  Fortunately, I have a friend who was the PERFECT fit to move in, and I contacted him and made him an offer he could not refuse, and he didn't.  He is now my new tenant, and I hope he stays awhile.  I know he is looking to buy a place though, but at least he came along when I did not need MORE to worry about, and for that I am thankful.

Medically, nothing major happened, but a bunch of little stuff reminded me that I am not getting younger.  Stress and anxiety do not help, but a handful of other little niggling things needed to be dealt with, as well as an issue with my eyes declining.  For the record, loss of use of my eyes is probably my biggest fear.  This year I got my first set of bifocals as well.  Sharp eyes can see pics of me taken earlier in the year where my eyes were crossing.  Fortunately that seems to have corrected itself a bit, but I was very conscious of it.  If you are watching my TV appearance closely, you will see me wink one eye closed...because I knew my eye was crossing.  I also had a slightly dislocated jaw that was affecting my speech.  You can hear that on the TV interview as well.  I have been trying to overcome THAT this year as well.  That seems to be getting better.  My limp from the 2004 accident along with the nerve damage seems to be getting better this year as well.  I knocked some things back into alignment I guess. (Back in 2004 I had a severe accident and broke my neck and did a few other damaging things to myself.)   I have been taking a lot more walks on the weekend when I can.  That activity, along with some really minor dietary changes, have me about 12 pounds lighter than I was on my last birthday!

As to losing that 12 pounds, I gave up fast food hamburgers just to say I did.  I have not had a fast food hamburger since probably July of 2010.  I cut WAYYYYYYY back on my drinking.  That probably has dropped some weight for me, as well as cut back my appetite for foods that are bad for me in the wee hours.  I don't eat anything heavier than cereal now when I come home from work.  It was not at all unusual for me to hit the late night drive thru on the way home from work.  I also took up my bicycle again, and found that after many years off of it, I can still easily do a 20 mile ride with little effort.

The back side of the year has gotten easier and easier.  I had several tremendous hurdles to leap early in the year, and I have cleared them all and am not looking backwards to see them as they are getting further away.

All in all, as bad as the year was, enough good did come out of it.  I have to say, I did lean very heavily on Lori, and my immediate family of friends for support this year, and I cant thank them enough for being supportive and helpful through all we went thru together.  Those of you who made the biggest differences...you know who you are.  THANK YOU.  Most of the troubles have passed, so I am looking to this new year for me to see better things, and less peaks and valleys and more plateaus.  I am REALLY enjoying my newest hobby of local historical research in regard to area nostalgia and history, and I have implemented this love by administrating a Facebook page for folks who grew up in Daytona.  It is amazing the memories that have flooded back, and the connections I have made from this group.

Here is to another new personal new year...this one will easily be better than the last!!!

Harry

   

GENERATION GAP: Becoming more apparent depending on who gets the joke! (ADULT THEME-Rated R)

This anecdote is another reminder to me that we are all getting older...

Someone told a joke the other day in a mixed age crowd.  The older folks laughed, the younger folks did not get it.  What gave me further pause to reflect was the fact that the very younger folks could not grasp the concept.

Here is the joke:  Who was the most famous person to get shot in a theatre?  (EVERYONE of course says Abe Lincoln).  Who was the second most famous?  The guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.  Badum-PAH!   

Now if you thought that was funny, you are old enough to know who Pee Wee is, what he was doing in the theatre in 1991 and why he was arrested.  When you explain this to someone in their early 20s, you must tell them he was in a porno theatre.  Further making you feel old is their questioning what a porno theatre is and why anyone would go to a theatre to watch porn, because ALL of their lives it has been accessible with the click of a mouse.


I have only been online since 1999, and I grew up in the 70s.  It would be impossible for THEM to fathom the fact that the way MOST 70s kids got their porn was to simply FIND it...on the road, in the garbage, in the woods, you would just come across it...no pun intended.  Adults would buy "gentlemans sophisticates" from any magazine stand or Adult Shop, or just buy a ticket and go to the theatre.  Knowing someone with projectors, you may have known someone with a "stag reel" that you could watch if no parents were around.

History will also back me up that the explosive popularity of the home VCR was completely tied to the fact that you could watch porn on it, and the porn industry EXPLODED in the 80s because of the VCR...a symbiotic relationship if EVER there were one.

Of course, the young folks reading this are saying..."what is a VCR?".  LOL...older we are...

This Mornings Epiphany: I Have Never "Bought" A Stereo

Those who know me really well will appreciate this little anecdote...others may find it interesting as well.

I woke up this morning thinking of stereos for some reason, and had the epiphany that in all of my years, I have NEVER gone to a store and bought a stereo for myself.  The only close exception to this pattern is during the 80s when I started making a little money, I splurged on great car stereos, BUT, being resourceful as I am, most of the gear that I put in that car went into two or 3 other cars before I was done with it, LOL!!  Growing up poor has shaped my sensibility in regard to this subject.

I assessed all of the home electronics that I am currently using, other than TVs, and realized I had bought NONE of it in stores.  The gear I have, and have used,  was either gotten as hand me downs, or generously donated by others who had obsolete gear.  Mind you, I am not WANTING, what I have sounds great...I have no desire for better.

As long as I have been alive, I have been surrounded by electronics.  Keep in mind kids, electronics now get better and cheaper as the years go by.  Back in "the day" electronics were NOT cheap.  You could not buy a component for what a whole system costs today!!!  My first stereo was the family hand me down Western Auto True Tone AM/FM/Phono cabinet with detachable speakers...with orange cloth covers and woodgrain and black finish.  The whole think sat in a cabinet that you could put on a TV cart.  (KIDS:  A tv cart was a metal and wood cart on wheels for moving a medium sized TV from room to room.)

The True Tone was replaced by my brothers Radio Shack Clarinette 97 that he left at home when he went into the service.  This upgraded me to 8-track recordability!  During this time I had TONS of transistor radios, earphones, headphones, bookshelf radios and other gear that I either got from hand me downs or gifts.

Moving up from that, I got a Panasonic Tuner and 8 track player from another brother in the military who was not taking it along.  This had aux inputs.  I got a component cassette player from a friend.

About this time, I got my first car stereo...an am/fm/cassette player by Kraco for $55 at Zayres.  It was a complete POS, but my moms car only had an AM radio, so I snuck it in on the premise of an upgrade.

When I got my own car, I had a knack for reading the specs on CHEAP gear, and piecing together car stereos that sounded REALLY GREAT for no/low money.  When all my friends were rocking Jensens and Altecs, I was the guy with Tancredis, Sparkomatics and cheaper gear that sounded better than yours.

About this time (age 18) I worked part time in a Holly Hill stereo shop called The Electronics Den.  I never took a paycheck, just worked for gear.  Got great turntables, cassette players and more, just for minding the store.  (This job also provided me with connections to life long friends!!!)  I had the family Chevette at this time, and met the guys at the Den when I splurged and got a Pioneer tuner installed.  When that car went away, the tuner got sold to the Durlings who put it in their Firebird.  The Den was also where I got my infamous AFS Kriket speakers that went in MANY of my cars...but I never paid for them.  Just worked them off.

I spent a LOT of money on the stereo in the Capri, and had the most fun with that.  BUT, when the Capri went away, the stereo stayed and all the components showed up in my later cars.  I still have an amp and crossover and equalizer from that car here somewhere.  YES, we put equalizers in our cars, LOL.  What were we, cavemen??

I had a buddy hit hard times and he sold me his house stereo...this was about 89ish.  I was still using this stereo up til last year or so.  I still have it and the speakers are still in my living room.  In my LR I have a 5.1 surround system I got for a gift several years ago.  The main speakers are the ones I got from my buddy, and some other speakers I got from a friend in the 90s that became obsolete to them.

The stereo in my office is a high power AIWA bookshelf system, with surround and sub.  I got this for free because the CD player does not work.  I use it for my computer speaker.  Incredible sound, incredible price.

I have a friend who recently told me his neighbor had some sound gear to give away.  I was the lucky recipient of a wonderful Onkyo system that I use for the home theatre in my bedroom now. Spent no money and incredible sound.

I am looking around and am hard pressed to find any gear I got in a store, and it amazes me after all of these years.  I have a lot of old gear here too. I think it is hard wired in me to not get rid of it because it was expensive, LOL!  When I was considering going into the karaoke business, I could not justify buying the gear new to go into business...and gave up on the karaoke idea...then found all the gear used from a host leaving the business.  I have NO problem spending top dollar on work gear, BUT I am still using a lot of the gear that I got used 13 years ago too!!

It is funny how growing up poor will dictate behavior that will probably last a lifetime.

AN ASIDE ABOUT TV'S: While I have no problem buying TVs, if they come along used or free, even better.  I am pretty good about buying TVs now, but I MUST MUST MUST mention the Gold Star TV that I previously blogged about.  I got it used for free in 88, used it for years until I moved to DeLand, donated it to a friend in Orlando who is STILL using it, LOL!  Absolutely amazing!!    Here is a link to THAT blog post:  THE TV THAT WONT DIE BLOG