A Word On Coping, Grief and My Christmas "Miracle"
In a Facebook post I made at Christmas this year, I had
mentioned that I was thankful for something; that I had gotten a Christmas wish
that I needed to get. I was reluctant
to share that story right away.
Thinking about it, I took a long pause to ponder on my experience with
grief or coping, and wanted to say a few words about that before telling my
story.
No matter who you are, you are dealing with something. We all have our crosses to bear in life. Some people are more open to sharing than
others who choose to remain quite private.
Some share the good things in their lives in public, while keeping the
bad things private. We have all had to
deal with bad things in life, and I think our level of comfort sharing them
with others is conditioned by how we have been treated in the past. It amazes me how some people revel in their
sorrow, or in their mistakes. Some
folks have no problem standing up in public and saying they did something
stupid, or telling the world about the bad things happening to them...which to
some extent, could be of their own doing.
I remember when my Mother was ill, and I was taking care of
her, many people knew I was doing that, and it seemed everyone who was
concerned for me or who loved me always prefaced a meeting with me with
"How is your Mom?". When the
news was not good, that was the constant conversation I was having that I hated
having. I know my friends meant well,
but I remember wishing I didn't have to talk about it so much. Things like that make you turn your grief
inward, so that you don't have to share it.
I remember when she died, I really told no one...and just went to work
that night as if it were just another day.
It was easier.
In 2004, I had a horrible accident...most of you know about
that one, when I broke my neck in two places and had to take months off of
work. That was a very traumatic event,
and to be fair, normal humans learn lessons from such events. Given that, if I had a dollar for every person
who heard the story and said "you need to be more careful", I could
buy you a house. I knew I needed to be
more careful, I am sure I would be...hearing it almost felt hurtful. People close to me then brought it up over
and over. Later, I had an incident with
a deer and a road sign in my new van, which resulted in a bent front bumper and
dented front fender. I came home and
told no one, because I didn't want to hear the admonitions that I needed to be
more careful, etc... If accidents were
always avoidable, they wouldn't happen, would they? Yet when presented with the news of an accident, human reaction
seems to say that the person needs to be told how to prevent it...which after
the fact can come off as hurtful, yet offered in a caring manner. Even today, 8 years or so after my accident,
people still tell me to be more careful.
I keep all my accidents to myself now without telling anyone, because of
the comments I get from those who love me, which feel hurtful.
Sometimes when people are carrying a load, and choose to
share the news, they are not looking for advice, a solution or blame...they are
just looking to share, and maybe get a little commiseration or possibly
sympathy. When you just want to unload
and share, and get blamed or advised, sometimes you think twice about sharing
the next issue...because it just feels easier to keep it to yourself. Hemorrhoids are a real pain in the ass for
example. If you suffered from them, and
told your friends, then every time they see you, and your ass is hurting, they
say "Hey, how are your roids?"...and you have to talk about them
while suffering. I think a better
solution is, if you tell someone you have roids, and they see you, they should
smile, each of you knowing the other knows, and the friend would just say
"Hello, how are you"...or "how are you feeling"? Instead they usually bring the topic up and
tell you how you could have avoided getting them in the first place!
Since then, I have had some screw ups in life that I have
totally kept to myself...found the solutions and pressed on without burdening
anyone...just because it felt easier.
When I had the incident with the deer and the road sign, it was 2 weeks
before Lori even knew. I chose to try
to keep it from her because the wounds from the bad accident were still too
fresh.
One thing all this has taught me is how to handle my
compassion toward others who face adversity.
I put myself in their shoes and remember my times that I was hurting,
and what I did or did not want or need to hear. A great friend recently lost his wife unexpectedly and is
grieving in a major way. I sent him a
letter with my sympathy, and told him I would never ever bring it up again, unless
he did. I let him know that I was sorry
for his loss, but that it was not going to be the ongoing topic of
conversation. I would bet that was
appreciated. Sometimes, when you know
there is an elephant in the room, you don't HAVE to talk about it. It is there.
******************************************
So what brought this up was this extraordinary situation
that happened just before Christmas.
After the event I am about to tell you about, I was pretty mentally
messed up. I chose to tell no one. Lori was the only person who knew. I did not want it out there because I
mentally could not handle the blame, hearing how it could have been prevented
and frankly I was embarrassed. I needed
to deal with the situation before I could tell anyone.
On the Saturday before Christmas, I took a walk with Foster
(my dog...and those who know me know he is my son more than my dog, and I am
very close and protective of him). We
had time to spare and had deviated off our regular course. We ended up in a high traffic area, and
while crossing a street, I directed him to walk into the path of an oncoming
car. He was struck, and the car stopped
and Foster fell to the ground in the road in front of the car. People all over stopped. I immediately knew that it was entirely my
fault. I did not know if Foster was
dead, or what level of injury he had sustained. I got him out of the road and told the car driver to leave, as
all was OK. People were showing up out
of concern, and I had a real moment of terror going on.
He stood up...and I was checking him for injury. He seemed to be steady on his feet, a little
shaken and walking on his own power. I
reached for my phone to call Lori, but did not have my phone on me. We walked toward a business, and he seemed
to be walking OK, so we just kept walking, then headed back toward the
house. I could see no external damage,
and began watching and looking for signs of internal injury. Closer to home he stopped and had a bowel
movement, and was not complaining about anything...he had no sensitivity or
pain...his eyes looked good, etc... By
the time we got home, he was flat out normal, but I was sure something had to
be wrong. I got in the house and tried
to keep a brave face, then Lori showed me pics she had just taken of the dog
and I lost it. Just the overwhelming
grief of what I had done to my buddy, and the guilt, and not knowing if there
was any injury...and the worst part of it all, the memory of seeing him getting
hit kept replaying over and over and over and over in my head and I could not
make it stop for days. Every time I was
alone with my thoughts, that image returned.
I could not think of talking about it without getting upset.
If I had been allowed any wish for Christmas it would be for this incident to not have occurred, or as a minimum, for there to be no damage or penalty to Foster for my mistake. Time has passed and I am certain beyond doubt that he was
not injured. He is 110%, actually even
better than he was BEFORE the accident.
I had been posting on Facebook prior to this about his health issues,
and was waiting for his recovery as this happened. A friend asked me at work the other night how Foster was
doing...and I sheepishly said "better than anyone knows". She mentioned that I had not posted about
him on Facebook in some time and I realized she was correct...that I was afraid
to say anything for fear he took a bad turn.
Selfishly, as much as I would have liked a kind shoulder, I didn't want
the constant reminders that I screwed up, or, when trying to clear my head,
have all of our friends asking how Foster was...mentally I could not handle
that.
I feel as if I am ready to have this story out there, and I
feel that telling it will help me get my head together...as if keeping it
bottled up is part of what is troubling me.
Lori even said there is no need for anyone to know, and she, while
watching me suffer thru this, mentioned she was glad I did not put it on
Facebook to allow myself to be castigated. So, the other side of my reason is,
that if someone reads this entire blog...and can manage to talk to me about
this afterwards without blaming me, or telling me what I did wrong, or telling
me how to avoid this in the future, then writing this will be somewhat
worthwhile. We should all study on
being compassionate, sensitive, caring and supportive without making the issue
be THE only topic of conversation, or without insulting someone by feeling like
we need to tell them how they failed.
I have only told 3 people about this so far...testing the
waters to see how I felt. I do have to
giggle because the second person I told DID respond by saying that we needed to
walk a bit more cautiously through life.
LOL....trust me...after going thru something like this, if that is not obvious,
then there is no hope.
Treat each other well, hug your dogs and cats, and put
yourself into the other persons shoes before saying anything that could be well
meaning yet insensitive. Sometimes just
listening is enough. Thanks for
listening...and if you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you for
your friendship, and for caring enough about what I say to read it.
